I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
