she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
