I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
