pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
