I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
