Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
