she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
