You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
