The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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