I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
