I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
