if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
