i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am available for nakedness
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
