I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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