watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
