More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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