i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You can't just leave with hair like that
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
