you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
