I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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