i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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