i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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