rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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