he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize