you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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