where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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