Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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