if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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