She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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