I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
