Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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