im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
