omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
