I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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