I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
