I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
