btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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