You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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