I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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