Your mouth is God's brothel.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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