I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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