I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
