I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I could fuck to npr.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
