On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
