I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
