you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
