I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
