be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
