apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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