I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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