oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
