I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
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