I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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