my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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