I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
