What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
